


Luceat Lux Vestra

by LeysaByrne



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Action, Angel Powers, Angels, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Archangel - Freeform, Demons, Enochian, Episode: s05e08 Changing Channels, Episode: s05e19 Hammer of the Gods, F/M, Fallen Angels, Hunting, Hurt/Comfort, Just to inform you: probable smut at some point, Memory Loss, Monsters, Mystery, Original Character is an angel, Post-Episode: s05e08 Changing Channels, Post-Episode: s05e19 Hammer of the Gods, Season/Series 05, Sentimental, Slow Burn, Smut, Summoning, Supernatural - Freeform, Supernatural Creatures, Violence, Wings, Witches, and beyond, angel - Freeform, angel grace, powers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-03-06 02:01:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13401102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeysaByrne/pseuds/LeysaByrne
Summary: Deborah joined the hunt across the States with Sam and Dean Winchester, but due to an accident happened before she met the boys, she completely lost her memory. Deborah, that's her name, still hasn't recovered it, but the reunion with a character that knew her before the accident will bring new information, and represents the turning point of the whole situation." «I… don’t know what you’re talking about, I have never seen you» she answered, honestly sorry for that - even though she was aware of the fact that Archangel had been causing a lot of trouble for the hunters -, but sincerely convinced that he had mistaken her for someone very much like her and with the same name.Whilst a nervous Dean kept asking the girl for explanations, who just shrugged and didn’t know what to say, the Archangel’s expression quickly shifted. His face became dark, he didn’t understand what was happening, and an unhappy intuition made its way in his mind while he kept staring at Deborah, unbelieving."





	1. Veritas

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Luceat lux vestra](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12806577) by [LeysaByrne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeysaByrne/pseuds/LeysaByrne). 



> The rating may vary, as I don't know how much violence I will use during the hunts and if there will be smut chapters or scenes.  
> Enjoy!

# CHAPTER ONE  
Veritas

 

 _Listen, listen_  
_I would take a whisper if_  
_That’s all you have to give_  
_But it isn’t, isn’t_  
_You could come and save me_  
_Try to chase it crazy right out of my head._ _  
_ [Echo - Jason Walker]

 

  
The sky outside of the warehouse was clear, the few white clouds didn’t hide the sun that shone and burnt the empty courtyard’s asphalt.  
  
Behind the long raven-black hair, though, the girl was concentrated on the tears that in that moment contributed to making the world more distorted and confused than it already was.   
  
The scene she had just witnessed kept on repeating endlessly in her mind, the Archangel Gabriel’s expression when he saw her and pronounced her name but she didn’t react as he had hoped.  
  
«Deborah, it’s been so long…» he began, mentally cursing the holy fire around him that kept him from reaching her.  
  
She looked at him with interrogative expression, not really grasping how he could have known her.  
  
«There’s no need to keep pretending not to know who I am» he added, with his typical attitude that so much irritated the Winchesters.

«I… don’t know what you’re talking about, I have never seen you» she answered, honestly sorry for that - even though she was aware of the fact that Archangel had been causing a lot of trouble for the hunters -, but sincerely convinced that he had mistaken her for someone very much like her and with the same name.  
  
Whilst a nervous Dean kept asking the girl for explanations, who just shrugged and didn’t know what to say, the Archangel’s expression quickly shifted. His face became dark, he didn’t understand what was happening, and an unhappy intuition made its way in his mind while he kept staring at Deborah, unbelieving.

«This little drama won’t save your ass, you feathered piece of shit» Dean attacked him thinking that the archangel was playing one of his tricks to escape from them.

«Oh, sure, because how would you feel if someone that you… know and is really close to you, maybe a member of your family» he underlined the last world by indicating Sam with his eyes and a hand gesture «wouldn’t recognize you anymore?»

The girl, at that point, after the first moment of surprise and confusion, got dangerously close to the fire: «Can you stop beating around the bush and get to the point?»

«Step away from the fire…» came out as a whisper from the lips of the Winchester’s prisoner.

«Don’t change the subject, I want to know…» but her sentence fell in the middle because abruptly interrupted.

«Step away from the fire!»

By seeing the archangel Gabriel so seriously alarmed, Deborah became worried and immediately stepped back, guessing something in her heart.

«I don’t know who you think I am, but I’m not an angel. You’re mistaking me for someone else» she concluded with an almost hysterical laughter.

«Or maybe you are» began Sam after a long silence «do you remember the angel blade?»

Deborah turned around unbelieving, thinking about that episode «No! It can’t be. It’s out of the question.»

«What happened with the angel blade?» the trickster immediately asked.

«Once I got wounded by one of those, I noticed it too late to move out of the way, and the cut hurt too much and… in short, it seemed like it glowed to me, but I must have seen it wrong, for sure» Deborah squeezed her arm where the scar was already gone, though. Everyone looked at her: Sam as if it was obvious by then that the Archangel was right, Dean shaken but convinced by the obviousness, since they had never truly found a reason to what happened, and Gabriel still with a shaken and lost expression trying other ways to convince her.

«C’mon, there’s not even the scar anymore! It was nothing!» she began to get nervous and rolled her sleeve to show her skin. «See?»

«Because you healed it! But you remember nothing…» sighed Gabriel, still not resigned. If he could have done it, he would have punched the wall.

«You already lost your memory because of the accident, it is possible that, for some reason, you don’t remember being an angel. We don’t know what happened.»

«No, Sam, no, you’re all joking, you can’t believe such a thing.» The thought she had done unnecessary work to build a life again after the memory loss was something that she didn’t want to believe to. If she couldn’t even remember her true nature, and if the certainty to be a human being was just a patch, then she had nothing about herself, she didn’t know anything. Just her name remained, nothing else, and it wasn’t enough.

«Debby, I wouldn’t like to admit this nonsense too easily too, I’d never want you to be related to that thing, but it is probable, looking at the situation.» Dean never wanted to be wrong like he did in that moment, but everything made sense.

«What accident, Deborah?»

«No, no. Enough, it is not like this» Deborah began to step back and then she got out of that hell of a warehouse.

That whole scene endlessly repeated in her mind while the three of them were still inside discussing. In the meanwhile, she also kept thinking about those few years after the accident, which she had memory of. She thought about all the unusual things that happened to her and that to that point could have gained a meaning, if she had truly been an angel. But she didn’t want to accept it, maybe in normal conditions she would have, but in that case it meant to erase all her already few certainties, and she couldn’t afford it. The tears run fast from her eyes, not just because of her sadness, but because she felt overwhelmed.

When the Winchester came out, they found her sat on some wooden boards next to the ’67 Chevy Impala, busy staring at the asphalt dusty from the soil carried by the wind.

«Hey, just know that we will face the thing together. We don’t leave you alone, we’ll figure everything out.»

Sam placed a hand on her shoulder to comfort her, slightly embarrassed. It was a delicate situation.

«You go. I’ll meet you at the hotel later.»

«No, that’s out of the question, it’s on the other side of the city.» Dean was point-blank, but Sam beckoned not to insist.

Deborah wiped her tears as she lifted her head «I’ll bring you dinner» she forced a smile. She would have seriously done it, but before that she needed to be alone for a few hours.

«Are you sure you don’t want any of us here?»

She nodded «Yes, go and rest.»

«Hey, kiddo, be careful. If you need something just call and we come and get you anywhere you are.»

She had established a beautiful relationship with the Winchester, but to her, those words from Dean were particularly important. He, always so full of grudge towards angels and monsters, he treated her like a sister in that moment. She watched him get in the car, followed by Sam, and leaving a bit more sure that, because of that situation, she wouldn’t have lost the only family she felt to call by that name.

Deborah stood up and began to walk, restless, trying more than ever to remember something, even just bits. She didn’t know why she should have been able to do it right in that moment since she had never succeeded before, but she felt in a desperate situation. She walked back and forth with eyes looking down, and her tears wet the arid soil. Her head felt like exploding with thoughts, words, half memories and faces, everything blended up and fuzzy. She took her head in her hands and quickly sat again, back to the warehouse, on a kind of a little above-ground platform.

She kept blinking fast to send away the tears that she wanted to hold back, when suddenly she saw a shadow projecting on the ground in front of her, someone was behind her. She didn’t react, maybe it was the owner of the warehouse or maybe Sam or Dean came back. Surprisingly, though, the person that crouched down next to her was none of the listed.

«Deborah…» he began to speak. The Archangel, who waited for a while before coming out of the warehouse to not meet the Winchester. He reached out to gently wrap his hand around her arm.

She didn’t draw back, but she barely held back the tears: «Maybe… maybe I was the vessel of the angel you know, before the accident. I couldn’t forget this, it’s impossible.»

«Why would I still call you Deborah, then?»

«It’s a coincidence! Or- maybe I remember her name and not mine» that was a thing that, in that moment, sounded a lot worse to her, she didn’t know a single thing!

«Listen to me, I don’t see you as others do, I know who you are. I see it and I feel it.»

The girl bit her lips, she didn’t want to believe him, but he was an angel, and if he saw her as one of his kind he couldn’t be wrong. How could he? Or maybe that was a trick? She was no longer sure of anything. She instinctively took Gabriel’s hands between hers and led them to her head as she closed the eyes.

«Tell me that you can bring back my memories because I’m going insane.»

«If I did it, this would hurt really badly. It’s too many centuries of information at once.»

The Archangel was mortified, he really thought she was pretending up to that moment, he couldn’t imagine that situation, he couldn’t remotely think about the fact that she had forgot everything.

«Please, do it, or I won’t believe you. I won’t believe you!»

Gabriel stood up and hugged her strongly, to see her that way broke his heart. She let herself fell into tears and sunk her face in his shirt. She didn’t know him, he had been just causing problems to the Winchester, and yet in that moment she felt that finally he could give her an answer. She would have forced him to use his powers, if necessary, though dangerous, because she was the only one aware of what she had been through and how she felt without memory. Yes, the brothers helped her cope with the situation, but they had never been able to find a solution.

«Ssh, I know you can’t remember it, but I’ve always been here and I will always do. Especially now that I found you again.»

«A-again?» Deborah stuttered between the unceasing sobs.

«Yes, at a certain point you disappeared…» admitted Gabriel, loosening that strong hug and sitting next to her «And this is what puzzles me. Why don’t you tell me about the accident?»

The Archangel seemed like a whole different person, as if he used the pranks, the illusions and traps just as a mask, or at least that was what the girl intended. She began to trust him a little bit more.

She took a minute for herself to breathe and calm down, as well as wiping away the tears.

«It happened about a year and a half ago, or maybe more. Actually, I don’t remember the accident, the first thing I can remember is waking up in the middle of a forest with my clothes covered in blood and an aching head. It was morning, I guess, and I walked for miles before being able to find a road and someone that could help me. A woman let me in her car and took me to the hospital because I was pretty badly beaten up. For some strange reason, the only thing I managed to say was my name: Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, I just kept on repeating it endlessly, even if I could understand what was going on around me that was the only word that would come out of my mouth. At the hospital, though, they called the police, ‘cause even if my clothes were stained with my own blood, I had no visible wound on my body. I was perfectly well, except for the memory loss.»

She stopped for a moment, while she tried to sort the facts in the right order. In that moment her thoughts in her head intersected in a thick net and she struggled to remember.

«After that, I remember passing out, or maybe they just gave me something to make me sleep, anyway when I woke up I was no longer in the hospital. They took me to a clinic dedicated to memory recovery, as they said, but I’ve always thought it was some sort of psychiatric hospital. Since I uttered just my name and I was covered in my own blood and without wounds, it wouldn’t have surprised me if they took me for crazy. I lost track of time in that place, it was full of doctors, few patients but I perfectly remember that from time to time they would sedate me and I would wake up after days.» Deborah’s voice trembled, and it wasn’t tears’ fault.

«I’m not forcing you to tell me everything now» he said, feeling her uneasiness.

«It’s okay. As I was saying, I began to hear voices, sounds, strange things happened to objects around me, I was scared, but the doctors always said those were hallucinations due to some head trauma caused by the accident. They began to give me meds that I still take from them, or I would go insane, they say. And when I stop taking those, in fact, unusual things happen.»

Gabriel’s mind run at an unbelieving speed. Voices, the angel radio; strange events, her powers showing up.

«And is it possible that in all this time those two didn’t ask themselves some questions?»

Deborah shrugged «They’ve always taken for granted that those were all causes of the accident, as I do myself, after all. Or better, did. I’m not sure of anything right now.»

«Always way behind, those two, they never understand a thing, not a single time.» said Gabriel with disdain, clasping his hands and thinking.

«Don’t be so harsh on them…» those words annoyed her a bit. She had been living with them for a while, after all, they were family to her.

«You thought it the same way.»

«I knew them even before?»

«Yes, I mean, not really. Everyone knows the Winchester on the upper floors, a lot of things happened to make their existence possible» he answered in a low voice, absently.

Long seconds of silence passed, then the Archangel spoke again: «I can’t understand why I haven’t been able to find you before, in these almost three years.»

«I thought that the angels could detect the other angels. You said you feel and see me as what I am, was that just a way to convince me?»

«No! No, I don’t mean that. Now that I’m here with you I can see you, but I couldn’t find you before, from afar. It’s like your “signal” is too weak, and I can barely sense it even now. It’s not normal.»

He checked her from head to toe. Deborah made a smile halfway between exasperated and ironic «Well, nothing is right now.»

The sun, as they were talking, kept going down above their heads, and the wind began to blow. Some leaves swirled between and on their shoes, painting a little that sad asphalt mixed up with soil.

«You know, Gabriel… I didn’t want to react that way, before. I’m not the type that cries so easily, I face everything, but I didn’t want to believe you. Now, with hindsight, what you say makes sense, even if it is hard to accept, but… everything I went through in that hospital, all of the pain trying to have a normal life and find my family, it all seemed empty. Do you understand? Everything I’ve ever achieved is nothing now, I barely have my name.»

Gabriel shook his head with a half smile «I know you, and it doesn’t surprise me at all that you think these things» after all, he felt that the angel he knew, whatever happened, was still there and had not changed.

«Really? So, can I ask you just one more thing?»

«It depends on the question.»

«How was I like, before?»

Gabriel grinned slightly and stood up, putting his hands in his pockets «This, dear, is something you’ll know later!» and winked at her.

Deborah expected that answer, this is the reason why she didn’t insist. She had managed to considerably calm herself down, and she owed him that, but as much as she wanted to stay there, far from everything and everyone just a little bit longer, it was getting late «I should go, now, I still have to buy dinner and the boys might be worried.»

«Yeah, those two…» it wasn’t like he hated them, the opposite, but to his eyes they seemed just too dumb to understand how important it was that they accepted their roles «I need to find you without having to search for them.»

The girl stood up too, straightening her clothes «And how would you do that?»

«Can I?» he reached out for her shoulder, and as soon as Deborah nodded he placed his hand «It might sting a bit.»

While a particularly intense heat spread in her arm, Gabriel kept his eyes shut. A strong pain stroke like a lightning and like a lightning disappeared, almost before she could let a moan escape.

«What did you do?»

«I left an Enochian symbol carved in your bones so that I’m the only one that can find you. Take care, avoid breaking your shoulder or getting yourself shot before finding out why you lost your memory» he said with friendly sarcasm. There still was the possibility that her Grace could heal the wound, because a wound it was, an engraving on her bone, but if the

Archangel’s intuition was correct that wouldn’t have been possible. Not in a short time.

Deborah rubbed her shoulder gently «Got it, thanks.»

«For making a beautiful bas-relief in your shoulder? You’re welcome!»

The girl rolled her eyes and laughed.

«If you discover something, please, interrupt me no matter what I’m doing.»

Gabriel winked at her and then, all of a sudden, a flap of wings and he disappeared.

Deborah looked around, wondering where he could have gone. Who knew if she would have been able to do that too.

Obviously, she kept considering the idea that was just an assumption. Not because she didn’t believe the Archangel Gabriel, but because she believed so many times to be able to solve that problem and she always deluded herself.

As she walked alone towards the fast-food next to the Motel, more or less on the other side of the city, she thought about the Archangel’s words. She thought about the pros and cons that revelation could have brought. What if she discovered she had done horrible things as an angel? Provoked a Biblical catastrophe? She would have thought about that another time, she was too tired.

 

«What if she ran away? She already had enough problems, I hate that damn trickster.»«Dean, you have to relax, alright? You know her, she needed to be alone. It’s been just two hours»

Sam tried to calm Dean down, but in vain, since the elder brother kept pacing the room from one wall to the other.

«Yes, and it’s getting darker, and she’s alone. You know I don’t like to leave her alone, Sam.»

«She’s not your daughter, she’s just a bit younger than you. She can handle it on her own, you saw her while hunting…»

«Yeah, well, she shouldn’t do that either.»

Sam couldn’t tell why Dean was reacting that way, but he had the feeling that it hadn’t much to do with the fact that Deborah wasn’t back yet, but instead with the fact that he had the feeling that trickster was trying to manipulate everything they touched and knew. For sure none of them was enthusiastic about the consequences of starting off the Apocalypse, but having brought Deborah, maybe, into that worried both of them.

They seemed about to argue when they heard someone knocking at the door of the Motel room.

Dean rushed to open it, casting a death stare at his brother while placing his hand on the handle.

«Where the hell were you?» asked Dean harshly, as soon as he saw the girl on the doorstep.

Deborah, hit by that tone through which a lot of concern and anger came, looked at the two of them with a questioning gaze «I told you, I brought dinner» she rose the hands busy with the plastic bags.

«It’s been two hours» the elder said severely.

Deborah kept staring at him, whilst coming in and approaching the table to put the food down.

«I didn’t notice, that was a long walk and I lost track of time…» she felt attacked by Dean and didn’t understand why, after his words at the warehouse.

«It’s okay, why, the city is big and she had to walk.»

«No, Sam, this is not okay!»

«Dean, can you explain what’s going on?!»

«You stopped and talked to that Archangel, right?»

Sam rolled his eyes. Dean towered her, even physically. Deborah took a half step back and stuttered «N-no, I didn’t talk to him, I didn’t even see him…» she lied, struggling to keep eye contact with those green eyes, which in that moment seemed made of flames.

«Deborah, I’m not mad at you, and I know you’re not telling the truth. But you have to keep away from him and not talk to him again, ever. You must have nothing to do with that thing.»

The girl understood his reaction, she understood it perfectly now; she knew Dean well. But how could she make him work out she needed the Archangel at that point? Sam read that thought in her mind.

«But that thing may have given us the solution to the problem of Deborah’s memory loss.»

«And we will be forever grateful» he said sarcastically «but now that we have a starting point we’ll take care of it. Thank you but no thank you, we don’t need his threats.»

«No one’s threatening no one here, this situation is no leverage, my story is my story, yours is yours. And besides, I don’t think this is that easy, Dean» Deborah said with extremely soft and kind voice «I think there’s something beyond what we can find out on our own. Do you trust me?»

Dean deeply looked at her and nodded «You, yes, him no» then he shook his head and walked slightly away, searching for support in Sam’s eyes.

«I don’t want you to get in the way of the Apocalypse, is that clear? You have nothing to do with it, it’s our problem.»

«And it’ll continue to be yours. I swear» she answered, sincerely. As soon as she realized that was just one of the Archangel’s plans to involve her into that or push the Winchester to do what he wanted them to do, she would have walked away. But she had hope, and that was enough for her to not let that chance go.

«Alright, alright. But if something happens I’ll kick him until he comes back to Heaven.»  
Deborah and Sam sat at the little table without arguing.

«Let’s eat now, and tomorrow we’ll try to understand, okay?» suggested Sam, noticeably tired after that endless day between TV channels. He kept thinking about how the trickster had killed Dean in thousands and thousands of different ways, but he didn’t show that. He understood that angels do not always think like them, but he began to figure out how the Archangel Gabriel played his part as well, and he thought he could trust him, in that case. And he trusted Deborah, which was the most important thing. He didn’t want to see her haunted anymore, and it was worth even another dead end to rule out another possibility.

«Sounds good to me,» the girl answered smiling, taking out of the wrapping the super hamburger with extra everything that she bought for Dean «and to you?»

The Winchester took and smelled it «Extra bacon?»

Deborah nodded.

«We’ll talk about it tomorrow, but this doesn’t mean that the situation stinks less» he ended as everyone started to eat. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to my new Fanfiction!  
> This story has been in my head for years, but finally I'm managing to get around it and give it a shape and even translate it in English!  
> I don't want to annoy you with too many words, so I just want to thank everyone who convinced me to share this story with the world and everyone who will follow Deborah's adventures! Gabriel will reward you with candies for that.  
> Did the chapter draw your attention? Do you want to ask me something? The comments are always open to you and they just wait to be used, and I wait for your feedback too so that I can continue the story in the better way! 
> 
> See you next chapter  
> Leysa Byrne
> 
> P.S. You may follow the fanfiction even on Tumblr


	2. Signum inscultpum in rubra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deborah joined the hunt across the States with Sam and Dean Winchester, but due to an accident happened before she met the boys, she completely lost her memory. Deborah, that's her name, still hasn't recovered it, but the reunion with a character that knew her before the accident will bring new information, and represents the turning point of the whole situation.
> 
> From the chapter: 
> 
> She finished engraving the symbols and, while holding the candle between her hands, she stopped to take a deep breath.  
> She looked at the little room filled with just a bed, a closet, a chair and a nightstand. The light bulb on the ceiling lightened less than the moon out of the window, and the dark walls neither helped the brightness nor the size of that space.  
> She had no idea what time it was but outside it was still pitch black, so she knew she has time.  
> Deborah turned off the light, closed the window immediately above the bed and sat cross-legged on the soft mattress. She uttered the spell twice, slowly and with a low voice, holding the still cold candle, then she lighted the flame and closed her eyes

# CHAPTER TWO  
Signum insculptum in rubra

 

Something strange is going on and  
still I don’t know why.  
I have stared into the secrets  
_they still try to hide.  
_ [Serpents in Paradise - Avantasia]

 

Deborah tossed and turned in her bed almost the whole night; she struggled to clear her mind, and even when she succeeded in falling asleep because she was too tired, after a little while she would wake up again because her dreams constantly reminded her of the previous day. The Archangel’s face, Sam’s, Dean’s, the clinic she had been confined in, all of those images kept appearing behind her eyelids and prevented her from resting properly. She managed to go to sleep around 2 AM, but her lifestyle kept her from waking up after half-past six anyway.  When they didn’t have to work, the Winchesters managed to sleep in, on the contrary, she wasn’t able to do it, she had been too affected by hunting and couldn’t get used to it. Not even after a year and a half.

She stayed there in bed for a while, looking at the ceiling that had begun to brighten due to a vague faint light coming from the holes in the blind. She shut down the alarm clock before it could ring, so she wouldn’t wake up the boys in the next room.

In fact, theirs were not just adjacent rooms, but also adjoining, and the three of them had the habit of leaving the door open during the night, just in case.

It didn’t bother anyone, even if at the beginning the two brothers insisted on giving Deborah all the privacy she wanted. She had always declined the offer, after being alone in her room in the clinic for months and months, without seeing anybody, or hearing noises and riddled with an ongoing and growing anxiety towards solitude, the thing she found more comforting was to leave the door open and know that, if there was any problem, she could walk through it to find someone.  
From that point of view she felt like a child, actually. But she didn’t have any role model in her life, she had had to learn things all over again, how to behave on top of all, and just like a child she stuck with the things that made her feel safer.

Of course, from time to time solitude was good and she sought for it, but she felt asphyxiated when she was alone in close spaces.

_Maybe this is a trauma I won’t ever recover from_ she thought to herself while sitting on the bed, that morning.

After a few minutes, though, she noticed that a light much brighter than the sun’s at that hour was coming from the boys’ room. Trying to be as quiet as possible she stood up, put on her night robe tying it on the side, and approached the door barefoot. From there, she saw Sam sitting at the table, far from Dean who was still sleeping, and the bright white light coming from his laptop. He was immersed into reading, but from that distance Deborah couldn’t make out what it was so she decided to come closer. She was awake anyway.

Sam turned around slowly when he felt her behind him.

“Good morning Sam” she whispered, slightly moving a second chair to sit next to him.

“Good morning, Debby” he looked at the clock on the screen “Didn’t get to sleep a bit longer even this morning?”

She shook her head, tiredness still all over her body.

“Why don’t you try getting in bed again? C’mon, I’ll tell Dean not to be noisy when he wakes up, you have to rest. I heard you tossing and turning last night.”

“I can’t, you know it. I can’t help it” she said resting her head on his shoulder and sighing deeply.

“Yes, I know. And it is just my fault” he said stroking her hair. He didn’t want anyone to live their life, let alone her, who already had many problems to think about.

“C’mon, don’t bring this up again...” she tried to reassure him; that wasn’t the first time she heard those words from him “It just so happens that last night I didn’t get to sleep a lot, usually I am well rested and awake by this time. I just had a lot to think about, and that’s not your fault.”

“It’s not that. I brought you with us in this lifestyle” he admitted, twisting his lips and quickly running his eyes through the results on the screen.

“Sam, look at me” she rose and looked into his eyes, in the shadow of the room “It’s no one’s fault if that ghost haunted me every morning, we already talked about it. Sure, maybe if it hadn’t been the only part of the day we could hunt it, and if it hadn’t taken two weeks to understand how to send it away, maybe I would still sleep. But maybe I would be dead if I hadn’t met you.”

Sam hinted a half smile, with a sad expression, while caressing her back “I’m sorry, you’re right. It is just that I’m trying to make sense of your story, but the only certain thing I have is the day we found you, and I keep thinking about it.”

Deborah smiled, leaning on his shoulder again and turning her gaze to the open website in front of her “This why you woke up early?”

Sam nodded, typing a new research in the top bar of the browser “Actually, I was searching for some case, something about the Apocalypse, but I ended up searching for something else,” a hundred of news about strange events happened in February two years before loaded on the screen “but there are too many supernatural events during the months in which you probably woke up in the woods. We have to narrow it down, in some way” he concluded.

“Why are you searching for supernatural events?”

“Because if you’re an angel and that something took your memory away happened, it’s very much likely that it has to do with an attack by other angels or… you didn’t lose your memory just because you hit your head, anyway, you should have been able to heal it easily, so whatever it is that attacked you, it must have left a trace.”

It made sense, right, but Deborah was still learning and a question like that was legit.

“But… assuming that we believe this story” and she believed it “I remember I was covered in blood, my blood, but I didn’t have any wound. Do you remember me telling you?”

Sam nodded “Maybe you had fought a lot before… well, before whatever happened, and you had already healed your injuries before passing out.”

“So we are at a dead end.”

“Yeah. It seems.”

Deborah managed to curl up on the chair even more and let herself be cuddled by Sam just a little bit longer, trying to understand how they could date the day of the accident. Many times they had tried to ask when they went to the hospital or the clinic, even to the police, but for some odd reason - which should have aroused suspicion a while back - either her file didn’t exist or was inaccessible. At that point, to her, the only way was to ask Gabriel. It seemed the easiest answer, and she believed it would solve everything as quickly as possible.

“Do you believe him?”

“Hm?” asked Sam, woken up from his own thinking.

“Do you believe in the Archangel’s words?”

He sighed and took a few moments before answering “If I’m honest… yes” his tone of voice made it sound like he was struggling to admit it “I don’t see why he’d joke about such a thing, since he seems to be very attached and interested in his own kind.”

“Then maybe… we should ask him for help” Deborah dared to say, regretting it almost immediately. It was one thing to trust him, but it was another one to seek him out to ask for help. That wouldn’t be a problem for her, but she understood that, for the brothers, it could.

“I don’t think it’s a bad idea, but didn’t he tell you anything else yesterday?”

Deborah turned her nose and shook her head “No, yesterday I was so confused and anxious to understand everything at once that only I asked him if he could bring back all of my memories, but he said it was dangerous. He said that I have to go step by step, but I didn’t think about asking for other things.”

She also had the distinct feeling that the whole situation wasn’t clear even for the Archangel, but anyway now that he had met her and knew her part of the story she was sure it would be easier for him to draw conclusions.

“Just wait for Dean to wake up, we must ask him too.”

Deborah hinted a bitter laughter “Yeah, like we can convince him.”

 

“No” was Dean’s calm and ice cold answer as he took a bite of pancakes in the place they had stopped for breakfast.

The three of them were in a particularly isolated diner they came across on the road outside the town they had now left. Sam and Deborah had waited for Dean to be awake and in a good mood, and for him to sing one or two of his favorite songs, before mentioning the idea of calling Gabriel. They had hoped that, this way, they would have more chances of getting a ‘Yes’.

“Dean, we have nothing, nothing! I’ve spent the whole morning searching: do you know how many supernatural events happened in that period we’re assuming is the right one?”

“I don’t care.”

“Hundreds.”

“Listen,” Dean took his hot cup of coffee and leaned on the red backrest of the booth “this is what we’re going to do: now we go to Bobby, we sweep all of his books, even the ones that just mention angelic existence and we find why and how you got this memory loss, and how to fix it.”

“But—”

“Deborah, do you really trust that winged thing?”

The girl looked at him with a grim stare, hoping he would understand how wrong it was to use such an expression at that point. Dean lowered his gaze, understanding his mistake, but he still kept on with his argument.

“All right, if we don’t find anything at Bobby’s house then we’ll let you call your friend.”

“Perfect, but from then on we do it my way” Deborah stated, bearing in her heart the feeling that Dean was too busy being jealous and mad at the Archangel to notice how bad she needed answers. She was wrong obviously, she knew that his behavior was also dictated by his need to protect her, but the message that was coming through was distorted by his attitude.

 

 

They jumped back in the car as soon as they finished their breakfast - even if she barely touched a couple of bacon strips - and then headed to Bobby’s house.

The road was long; sometimes Dean would turn on the radio, sometimes the brothers would talk to each other, they exchanged a few words about various subjects, but Deborah didn’t really pay attention to them. Apart from a few monosyllabic answers, her attention was all directed towards the landscape passing by and changing in front of her on the other side of the window. She looked at the trees, the cities just crossed and the ones in which they stopped to refuel, the fields, the farms. Life was out there, people were born, grew up, worked, died. The tiredness on her eyes and in her mind drew her to think about those little details, and about the fact that maybe she wouldn’t be part of those things anymore, she would never age, she would never die. She felt like she had lived a half-life up to that moment, without knowing who she was or why she was there, but now she didn’t even have a destination. She wouldn’t have one until she found out everything, and even in that moment she struggled to picture the position she could have in Heaven. Maybe she wasn’t someone that important, maybe she was just a puppet for someone above her who obeyed orders without questions.

On the heels of those thoughts, she didn’t open her mouth except for have lunch and for the occasional yawn. At a certain point, Sam, visibly concerned, sat with her on the back seat but she kept on asserting she was simply tired. Actually, her head was light years away on existential questions that she seldom or never asked herself but which in that moment seemed fundamental in order to understand what the next move was supposed to be.

On the heels of those same thoughts, as soon as it got dark outside and there was nothing that could draw her attention anymore, Deborah fell asleep on Sam’s shoulder. At least, he seemed to understand her a little, unlike Dean. Maybe because of what he went through with the Yellow-Eyed Demon, which was very similar to her situation.

 

 

“Deborah… Debby, we’ve arrived” Sam called with a sweet voice, to not wake her up abruptly, while Dean got out of the car and walked up to Bobby.

She rubbed her eyes and stretched her back a bit: she couldn’t believe that sleeping in that position in the Impala would allow her to rest like that, she must have been exhausted.  

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to fall asleep on you.”

“Don’t worry, at least you rested” he answered with a smile as they got out of the car as well.

“Guys! I sure hope there aren’t any new problems with the Apocalypse, because I ain’t got other sigils to put around here.”

“Hi Bobby” the Winchesters answered in unison laughing and then hugged him and gave him a pat on the shoulder. Whatever the situation, no matter how tense it was, meeting Bobby was a lifesaver for them and the mood was always more relaxed when they were with him. Deborah kept herself a bit behind them, partly because she was embarrassed due to the fact that she was the problem, and partly because she had just woken up and talking was something that she would have gladly kept for later.

“Hi Bobby” she smiled too, warmly.

“Hi Deborah, it’s good to see you again, I thought they had already scared you away. Come in, come in…” he said, letting them in closing the door very carefully. The night would have been there soon and one can never be too cautious.

“What brings you here?”

Apparently, Dean had not hinted anything when he had called from a gas station to inform him of their arrival.

While everyone took a seat on the couch or the chairs of the living room, Sam and Dean explained to Bobby in detail what the Archangel had said and what they knew about Deborah. She felt out of place, also slightly on trial. The conversation was calm and not hostile at all, but she was always scared of what they could say. A wrong word, an unfortunate joke; she knew that they didn’t mean to embarrass or offend her, but she felt strangely anxious anyway. She had not already fully grasped the idea of being an angel, but she realized it would be bad to hear a joke about the species she now knew to be part of because it would mean that somehow the Winchesters or Bobby could begin to see her under a different light.

“We get that you don’t mess with angels, no offense, quite the contrary, so we have to be careful about what we do.”

Sam spoke: “This is why we came here, Bobby. This and because we’re at a stalemate: we need all the books you have about angels.”

The older hunter stood up and went towards the huge bookcase against the wall “These are not to be taken into account, I read those hundreds of times and not one mention of the angels,” he said pointing at the middle of the bookcase “as for the rest we can start from wherever you want, you know I’m not familiar with this area either. And there are more books in the basement and in the other room. The important thing is that you clean up when you’re finished.”

“Thank you, Bobby.”

Dean headed first to the lowest shelf and took three books, the ones that seemed useful to him judging by their title. Sam took other two black books, so did Deborah, and just by scanning those, half of the night was already gone. Sometimes one of them would take notes on sheets, or put away a book just to come back to it later, and meanwhile, the carpet of the living room was buried and unrecognizable. Bobby would occasionally appear to bring them other books or report articles that he found skimming through the dossiers of the cases he had worked on during his career.

“My head’s spinning: angels here, archangels there, and I found practically nothing useful apart from these rituals about… I don’t know what they’re about because they’re written in Latin.”

“Give it to me, I’ll translate them” Sam said, taking the thick blue book from Dean, who nodded.

“I’ll go and sleep, it’s late, I’ll continue tomorrow” the older brother spoke again, pointing at the clock and then getting comfortable on one of the two couches.

Deborah looked up at the wall and saw the hands of the clock striking two AM. She whispered a soft _‘goodnight’_ and went back to reading the book that had been keeping her busy for a while.

She held in her hands a rather slim book for Bobby’s standards: it was red leather-bound, the pages were particularly yellow but seemed made of tissue paper so Deborah was very careful when turning them. On the book's spine was engraved in gold Hebrew letters a title which meaning eluded her and a little Enochian symbol just like one of those used by Castiel. On the back cover, the title had been copied several times until it covered the whole surface.

All of these things drew Deborah’s attention who, from time to time, shifted position almost as if she wanted to hide the content of the book from Sam’s eyes. If he saw what she had found, in fact, he would pry the book out of her hands.

She had found some information, indeed, but it was nothing about angelic accidents and memory loss. It was more of a manual, a very peculiar one.

“Deborah, it’s late. What do you say we go to sleep too?” Sam suggested standing up and stretching his legs a bit: he had been sitting for a while.

She immediately woke from the pages and closed the book.

“Yes, I agree.”

“I’ll ask Bobby to find you a place to sleep.”

Deborah nodded, agreeing once again, and secretly taking the book with her, she followed the older hunter to a small room upstairs, at the end of the corridor, far from the stairs.

“You’re too kind, I could have slept in an armchair…”

“Nah, don’t be stupid, nobody’s using this room anyway. In fact, I’m sorry for the dust” the man conceded twisting his nose, thinking that maybe he should have tidied that room more often.

“Don’t worry… but can I ask you another little favor?”

He nodded waiting for her request.

“You don’t have a candle, do you? One of the big ones.”

She immediately realized that her request might seem strange, so she quickly explained that she was used to meditating before sleeping and she needed that to relax, but unfortunately her last candle had worn out a few days before.

“Oh, sure, I think I have one somewhere, wait a sec.”

A few minutes later he came back and gave her an untouched red candle which vaguely smelt of red fruit and cinnamon if close enough to the nose.

“I only found this one, I hope it will do. Good meditation and good night.”

As soon as the man closed the door after himself, Deborah almost felt like she could breathe again after a long time. She had lied, meditation was the least of her passions, but she surely couldn’t tell Bobby what she was planning to do.

She put her satchel with little care and less gentleness on the bed; then she took off the light blue sweater she was wearing only keeping her shirt on, and with this motion the book that she carefully kept hidden fell on the blankets.

Secondly, she took a pocket knife out of her boots and a lighter from the bag. She had everything, she just had to get down to work.

“Page 125, page 125…” she kept repeating while flipping through the little book. In front of her, there was a page full of symbols and few lines written at the bottom. She took the candle and the pocketknife between her hands and started carving a big symbol on the wax base, following the instructions of the book.

Doing so, she wondered if it was truly necessary, and though her own answer was no, she knew that only praying would merely be enough for Gabriel to reach her; especially with everything arising due to the Apocalypse and all the sigils Bobby had disseminated around the house.

In fact, what she had found in the booklet was nothing more than a ritual that made sure the prayers to any kind of celestial being got to their rightful recipient. Said ritual would also render any Enochian sigil nearby ineffective but exclusively for the angel or archangel called. This way, he didn’t have to reveal himself, it acted as an invitation and a secure and unequivocal connection. What had convinced Deborah to give it a chance was that, from then on, every time that candle would be lit up, said angel would always know for sure the location of the person calling them. In case of danger or desperate need, she thought that was a great advantage, that and the symbol the Archangel had engraved in her shoulder.

As she found the Archangel Gabriel’s symbol in the table at the end of the book and searched for a way to connect it with the first letter of her name in Hebrew (which she found in the book too), as per the instructions; she also thought she should be careful and not be caught. Sam might let it go. But not Dean.

_But this is a risk I’m willing to take_ she said to herself. She was convinced of what she was doing, and she had to know what happened, now that she had the possibility.

She finished engraving the symbols and, while holding the candle between her hands, she stopped to take a deep breath.

She looked at the little room which only contained a bed, a closet, a chair and a nightstand. The light bulb on the ceiling was less bright than the moon, and the dark walls neither helped the brightness nor the size of that space.

She had no idea what time it was but it was still pitch black outside, so she knew she had time.

Deborah turned off the light, closed the window immediately above the bed and sat cross-legged on the soft mattress. She uttered the spell twice, slowly and with a low voice, holding the cold candle, she then lit the wick and closed her eyes, focusing on the Archangel.

In just over one minute, all the worst thoughts possible clouded her mind: from the fear that Gabriel was tricking her, to the one that he had changed his mind about helping her for some reason.

Then, a hushed but unmistakable flutter of wings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is the second chapter! I'm sorry if it took so long to update but university got in the way: I had three exams and just had no time to finish the translation. You don't have to worry, anyway, because all the chapters are planned (and many are already wrote in Italian) and I won't just leave this fanfiction unwritten or unfinished!  
> A big thank you to anyone who's following the story, even if silently. Don't be shy and comment if you want!  
> A bigger thank you and a cookie to [Swax](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swax/pseuds/Swax) that makes me believe in this story.  
> EDIT: Also, Swax is now my beta for the English version of the story, and this chapter has been updated with her corrections! 
> 
> I have a question for you all: do you want me to translate the chapters' titles from now on? It could be interesting for some of them, just let me know in the comments if it is something you're interested in! 
> 
> See you soon  
> Leysa Byrne


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